Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?