Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Jerry, you need to find god
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
