you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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