i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
