My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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