I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
