Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
