He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
