Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
