dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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