Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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