I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
