You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
