Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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