the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
