When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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