I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
