someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
