Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
