she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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