You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
false alarm, still single
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