I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.