just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
