if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
