I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
