so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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