I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
