I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Come on in and take your pants off
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