Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We have so much sex to catch up on
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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