guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize