Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
