I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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