Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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