I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
