I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
