you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
