her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
