you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
