I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
