I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
