he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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