why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
