Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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