dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
