So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
