I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.