He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
