i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
