I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
