get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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