What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
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so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
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Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.