dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
