just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.