her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Randomize
