I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
