I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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