remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
